One Of My Last Wills

Hey, world.  This needs to be said because who knows when I might die.

I have another post regarding death and all that, and here is another one.  This one is personally tailored to fit me though!  It can get depressing but don't worry.  The bottom line is that I don't know when it's my time to go.  And I don't want to be stuck having nothing to say because I wasn't prepared!

Unless otherwise specified, I want the song Bron-Yr-Aur (not to be confused with Bron-Yr-Aur Stomp) by Led Zeppelin to be played at my funeral/memorial service.  Immediately before playing the song, I want this statement to be read to those present:

"Though I'm gone, I want this gathering to be about more than just tears and sadness.  I want you to learn something, or feel something, that can affect the way you live and think, for the better.  I'm 19 years old as I write this, but who knows how much time will have passed by the time you're hearing this.  You all knew me enough to know of my love for music, and I want to use music right now to speak to you.

One of my favorite bands, Led Zeppelin, has a song that strays far from their hard rock reputation, called Bron-Yr-Aur (pronounced Bron-Rar).  I want you to listen to this song, but first I want to explain what this song was to me.  This song is one of the only songs to ever make me tear up with joy.  When I would listen to it, I would close my eyes, and could picture myself seeing mountains and valleys from a bird's eye view, miles away but still seeing with such clarity.  I forgot about the pains and dangers of life, and this song changed my outlook on life any time I listened to it.  It gave me hope that I would use my talents to make something beautiful with my time on Earth.

Secondly, I want you to think about the beauty of this song, and think of the music that is normally expected of Led Zeppelin.  There is quite the difference, and I hope you take away the lesson that people are not always exactly what you take them for.  Taking this one step further, I hope you see and adjust your mindset accordingly to the fact that some of the best lessons come from those who don't seem very qualified to teach them.

For once, I'm having a hard time thinking of what to say.  Concluding a parting address to friends and family isn't something anyone ever becomes good at, let alone the first time they try it.  I suppose that anything I feel I ought to say here will be evidenced by the way I lived my life.  If some fool who never knew me gets up behind the podium and starts talking about me like I was holy and pure, using phrases like "His companionship will be sorely missed" or "He was a man who brought joy into the lives of friends and family", you'd better forget everything he says quickly.  I plan on living my life in such a manner that the best speech writer in the world would have a hard time bluffing his way through a eulogy, due to the fact that I lived my life beyond the trite sayings of "I'm sorry for your loss" cards.

If anyone of you happened to be on less than desirable terms with me when I passed, know that all was forgotten and that I died without animosity and solely with love.  Our squabbles never had the power to overshadow the time we had together and the memories we shared.  When you leave this place, I ask a favor of you:  Love those around you, especially the ones that are hardest to love, and never stop looking for the next person to help.  This is what changes the world.  Whether I stayed true to this or not before my passing, I know in my heart at this moment that it's what should be done, and I ask you to work extra hard to make up for my absence.  I love you all.

Evan Lane"

If you're not at my funeral, but in fact on my blog, here's a link to the song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQKQ3-bzXV8&feature=related

This Is Just Therapy

So I dont know who out there is like me, but those of you who are, can relate to the uncanny factor music plays in your memories.  I just got a job at Bed Bath and Beyond and its a pretty good job, but the music really sucks.  I mean that it sucks in the following way: sometimes good stuff will play, like today, When I Come Around, by Green Day, or one time I heard Big Me by The Foo Fighters.  But after any one of these good songs are played, Crappy Music is sure to awaken from it's slumber, find the front door ajar, items missing from the liquor cabinet, and it's daughter pregnant...and believe you me, it is PISSED.

What does Crappy Music do?  Well I'll tell you what Crappy Music does.  Like any normal Crappy Music, Crappy Music gets out his 12 guage, loads it full of himself, and sprays buckshot Crappy Music all over the parade of Tolerable Music.  Tolerable Music knows it is no match for Crappy Music, what with him wielding that 12 guage loaded with himself (yet somehow still reaching out of the barrel, and back around to the trigger...hmmm?) and all, so he just fades into obscurity behind Colbie Callait, that one song from the 80's (And so the conversation turned....until the sun went down...and many fantasies were learned....on that day.  Yeah, that one.), Nickelback, and any other member of Crappy Music's family that looks nice on the mantle in the picture frame that is marketable music.

Now, to be fair, I should explain why I hate the music so much.  The only time I ever listened to Colbie Callait was with an ex-girlfriend, and actually kind of took a liking to her music.  You know, the kind of liking you take to bad romance music when you're in a relationship, but would never listen to if you weren't?  Yeah that stuff.  Anyhow, I have, in the past, thought of myself as a sort of hunter.  This girl and I dated for a pretty long time, and so memories with her went way deep into just about everything I looked at.  Here, I'll give you some examples.

She used to sit sometimes :(

She used to wear shoes sometimes...actually, almost all the time :(

She used to eat sometimes...on a daily basis even :(

You get my drift.  While I joke about those up there, memories of her were everywhere.  I even found a small piece of purple ribbon paper one time, tucked into the corner of my room, about a year after she put it in my room for my birthday, and instantly knew exactly where it was, every memory that occurred around that area...it was just a mess.  So one time, in a fit of glumness, I wrote a poem I entitled "The Hunter".  In it, I allegorically described my life at that time:  A hunter wanders, ever precarious, through a dense fog, and there are noises and visions all around.  Every so often, without warning, and completely impossible to predict, a nasty, evil, grungy and black wispy creature would show up.  The creature would bare its fangs, and the hunter finds himself falling through a long tunnel.  When he lands, he is in pain, bones are broken, and the creature slowly ambles towards him.  He pulls his pistol, and (with a broken hand, mind you), has to dispatch the creature.  Sometimes it was easy, and sometimes I took a few reloads.

Now, here's the deal.  Some memories are easy to kill.  A short walk to the garbage can, boom, headshot.  Or a right-click, delete.  Boom, headshot.  It's all fine and dandy when I'm the master of the environment.  But what about when I'm not?  What about when I'm stuck somewhere and a song I remember playing the first time we __________ or the last time she ___________ or that one day we went to _____________ rears its ugly head?  I can't very well pull my allegorical pistol in the workplace.  Not only would a guy with jeans, dress shoes, a tucked in button-down, and no belt standing in the corner pointing his gun-shaped hand around the room shouting "BLAM!" frighten the customers and lose me my job, but it coincidentally would achieve nothing.

Here's a kicker though.  I find that with each listening of the songs, I can almost noticeably feel less of the fangs of the memory.  Now I mean I'm no longer into this girl, maybe just sometimes into the thought of having someone, but nonetheless, the memories can sting when they're memories and no longer actuality because of your own mistakes, and that you know you've irreperably hurt someone's feelings.  But anyhow, yeah, with each day, I find it becoming more of a song, and less of an ugly creature whose fur inexplicably swirls around as if it were under water, and stands in contrast to all else in the world, black as night.  (Melodrama, I never leave home without it)

________________, I'm sorry for the mistakes I made and that I hurt you.  But you owe me an apology too.  Your music sucked, and now I'M paying for it!

Accroches-Toi A Ton Reve

Let's talk committment.  Stay put guys, not that kind of committment.

If you're reading this, I assume that you have some dreams and some desires that guide you in life.  And I'd like to say to you that you should stick to your freaking guns*.

*So long as the dreams and desires are constructive to a healthy life.

I wonder how many great things could have been, but weren't, because someone flaked out and decided that their dreams came second to a chance to have a crappy internship at the bottom of a corporate ladder, but with promise to climb?  How about, how many people have missed out on their dream because their family didn't approve?  Or how many people's dreams fall through because of a relationship still in the early stages of wildfire romance?

You've got a dream, and you need to follow it.  Even though letting your dream die may let other people down, you'll ultimately be letting yourself down the most.  Because perhaps in 10 years, you'll see yourself locked into a situation you can't escape, and that dream that was once very real and within your grasp, decided only by when you chose to reach for it, is now gone.  It gets logged in the mental book you unshelve to read to yourself at night as your reminisce of the glory days. 

The thing about 'glory days' is that people rarely actually encounter them.  There is nothing glorious about the freedom and vigor of youth; or should I say, all people who are free, vigorous, and youthful are glorious, and thus the glory becomes the norm.  Once you decide to hand all of that over for a suit, tie, respectable sedan, and a nameplate on a desk, you realize just how glorious normal youthful enthusiasm is.  Youth and dreams are glorious, but once you have opted out of them, they don't become glory days.  You just become passed by.



This old man sees a picture of the town football team, because he's one of those creepy old guys with no grandkids on the team, but goes to every game anyway...and he remembers his dreams to be champion in the NFL.  Shut up, old man.  You gave up on your dream, and your dream didnt leave you with some sort of romantic, bittersweet farewell smooch.  Granted, you seem to be doing very well for yourself with that sweater and plush chair and fireplace and all...but still.  You gave up.



My friends have some awesome dreams. 

Blog shout-out time! 

One of my friends, Chelsea, who follows me (follow her!) wants to open a coffee shop because it encourages slowing down, something she says we don't do enough in life.  I wanted to put a picture here, but I spent ten minutes looking for a suitable relaxing coffee house photo and couldnt find a single befitting photo.  Goes to show you, she's right.  People don't chill out enough.  A good, accurate dream.

I have been overcome by an extreme case of laziness.  I have more friends, and they have dreams.  But I think you get the idea.  I have another post on the idea of following dreams.  Read it, and then do it.

He's Leaving Home, Bye-Bye

Since going to college, I have been experiencing an interesting feeling when I come home.

I'm still welcome here, but at the same time, I don't feel welcome.

In terms of my family, I feel welcome, but I don't feel very welcome by God.  Like He doesn't want me to be there, like my job is to be somewhere else.

I can't really tack a label on the feeling I get when I come home, but it's as if the town of Chesterton, Indiana just has nothing to offer me anymore, and I don't have a great deal to offer it right now.  I feel as though I'm not supposed to be here, and it isn't really home anymore, in terms of feeling at peace when I'm here.

I'd imagine this is kind of how Columbus felt while he frustratedly tried to find someone to fund his expedition to the New World.  He knew what was out there, calling for him, but at that moment he was stuck in the familiar.  I'm ready to go find what it is I'm looking for, and I'll be sure to know the map and not mistake North America for India. 

Why Christians Should Not Rejoice At The Death of Osama bin Laden

I am attempting to overpower the voice of many, many Christians celebrating the death of bin Laden.  I will fail.

Here's the bottom line:  bin Laden was indoctrinated to believe what he believed from the very start.  Just the same, we've been indoctrinated to love villifying the leaders of our enemies, and rejoicing in their deaths. Yes, he did things that damaged many people, but he was not an evil man.  Evil men do things to see people suffer because they want to see suffering, they want to feel power, they want to be the richest, and will do what they have to do to see it happen.  How many people have died at the hands of Christians in years past?  it happens everywhere.  They weren't evil either, they were just misguided in their beliefs.

When people say 'The world is now a better place, that bastard is going to burn in hell', I disagree.  The hatred that man had for those who didn't believe in his beliefs was great indeed...but the little hatred of millions of people is more powerful, in a different way.  This hatred we have all gladly reaccepted into our hearts will fuel our attitudes and actions when it comes to the next clash of Islam and Christian ideology.  Our hatred will push us to fight, fight, fight, ultimately killing more than the few dozen thousand (just an estimation, I have no clue) people bin Laden killed.

The Daily News I believe has said 'ROT IN HELL!" on their cover page.  A news reporter said he is going to be burning in hell for a long time.  Funny, because I thought Hell was an inhumane concept reserved for the most barbaric of religious fanatics, not forward-thinking and global-minded Americans of the new generation?  Oh wait, Hell exists when we hate someone alot, I forgot.

I'll leave you with these verses.

Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked? declares the Sovereign LORD. Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live?  -  Ezekiel 18:23

This is interesting because it is Old Testament, and OT typically has a harsher depiction of God.  Even then, He is clear.  He does not rejoice.

"You judge by human standards; I pass judgment on no one. But if I do judge, My decisions are right, because I am not alone. I stand with The Father, who sent Me." (John 8:15-16)
 

We are so quick to judge as if our opinions matter.  It's His call, and in the meantime, I think God wants us to focus on love.  I'll show you what I mean.

 

34 Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. 35 One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: 36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” 37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[c] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[d] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”  Matthew 22: 34-40

 

When Jesus makes big statements like that..."ALL the law hang on these two commandments", we should pay attention more.  Or how about this?

 

"As for the person who hears my words but does not keep them, I do not judge him. For I did not come to judge the world, but to save it. - John 12:47

 

Or how about the collection of these stories?

 

-Saving the adulteress in John chapter 7

- Healing the ear of a man who helped arrest Him in Luke chapter 22

- Eating with sinners in Matt 9, Mark 2, and Luke 5

- "forgive them father, they know not what they do" as He is dying at their hands in Luke 23:34

- General story of the whole gospel where he spends all of his time amongst cheaters, liars, adulterers, and more.

 

Am I glad that some things that cause pain won't happen anymore?  Yes, even though others will stand up to carry Osama's share of the work.  Am I glad that a man has died?  No, as a Christian, that is not my job.



Analog-y Kid

I just came up with this analogy and need to share it.

School work is a lot like taking a dump.  You can feel it coming, but often put it off when other things are going on that are more important to you.  Eventually though, time is out, and things get urgent.

School work also happens to be a lot like wiping your butt.  You can keep at it for hours and hours, but sadly, you'll never end up with a spotless paper.

You're An Idiot

Okay, boys and girls.

Quiet down, please.

I'd really appreciate if you would settle dow...OW!  REEAALLY?! REAAAALLY?!

STEVEN YOU ARE GOING TO DIE A PAINFUL AND HORRIBLE DEATH ONE DAY!

That's better.

Now, let's talk about why girls are stupid.

So, I have a group of friends here at school, and they're all girls.  Ninety-nine percent of ten percent of the time, all of them are cool at the same time.  Most other times, they're not though.  Recently, I've discovered that the 99% of 10% figure may be a bit too generous.

So here's the scoop daddy-o.  I'm not a big fan of vanity or anything like that, but I'll be straight up when I think that a girl is into me.  That being said, I think that a girl is into me.  She's super cool and honestly the most level-headed and dateable of any of those girls, but I'm really not too into the idea of dating right now.

I have in the past been slightly forward with another girl in that group, because I think she's pretty cute.  And now, I think that she thinks I still am interested, which I'm not.

This is kind of a lame blog post, but I'm getting to the point.  I'm always a talkative guy and so when I see that girl (the one I used to be into) or see that she's online or whatever, I'll say hey.  And in real life, she goes out of her way to be rude to me, and online, she says nothing to me, but remains online and doesn't go away (facebook chat puts your chat status to the little moon thing if you dont say anything to anyone for 20 minutes) long after I say hello.  So she's obviously talking to other people, yet doesn't say hey or anything to me.

Here's the point of this blog: Girl Herd Mentalities and Their Effect On Casual Relationships.

Here's what I think is going on:  Girl Who Avoids/Hates Me knows I once upon a time found her attractive.  Now, Girl Who Digs Me digs me, and they're good friends.  So Girl Who Avoids/Hates Me is trying to throw me off of liking her at all by being rude to me, ignoring me, etc., so that she isn't the girl I focus on instead of Girl Who Digs Me.

I don't know any of this for certain.  It's my incredibly intuitive senses tingling, and I'll just say that 99% of 99% of the time, my incredibly intuitive sense tinglings are correct. 

The shame in this is that one person is closing herself off from just being friends with another person because of stupid girl politics.

If you're a girl, don't do this.  If you're not a girl, still don't do this. If you're a girl who does do this, know that some guys see right through it.  If you're a guy who does do this, I heard the Payless Shoe Shource is having a BOGO deal.

If you're a guy who knows what a BOGO deal is, you should go lift weights, because your estrogen poureth over.

I'm going to go lift weights.