Blame Me! Blame Me!

I have been thinking alot about parenting lately.  I was having a discussion with a friend about another friend and some choices they had made as a parent.  The first friend kept saying things like "Well, they tried everything!  They asked for advice, prayed, tried spankings, tried time-outs, tried this, tried that, and nothing worked."  And the tone of these statements implied that the friend was without fault because they had tried everything.  Regardless of the effectiveness of the methods tried, they at least tried everything. 

I was thinking more about how the situation all affected the child.  I apologize for using such vague terms and roundabout explanations, but as it turns out, parenting is touchy and it wouldn't serve well to be talking in the open about all this.  But yes, I was more concerned about how it affected the child; the child wouldn't grow up thinking "Well, mommy tried everything", the child would grow up thinking based off of emotions that were felt in response to the way the parent handled things.

I know that as I grew up, situations and conditions that weren't favorable contributed to the way I was raised.  My mom often used to have a short temper about some things, and I now know that this had to do with alot of things beyond her control that stressed her out.  But even though I can acknowledge it now, I can't go back and un-feel the way I felt growing up, scared and often resentful towards her because of the angry bursts she would have.  Sure, my mom tried all she could, but I know how it made me feel then and how that has affected me as I've grown up.

Many people raise children based off of how they were raised.  This is pretty logical, as it is something imprinted in us and regardless of if it was good or bad, the most we've ever learned about parenting was from our parents, so we tend to go that way about raising children.  But why do so few people ask the next question, "And how did the way I was raised make me feel and affect me and my family's relationship?"  I think the lack of this question being asked is partially responsible for people abused as children to abuse their kids.  They learned, painfully, how their mom or dad responded to certain things, and because the imprinting was so strong, they seem powerless to change.  In a similar fashion, we've all heard someone explain their negative behavior with the statement "It's just how I was brought up."  I agree that this is a real reason for behavior, but too often people say it and think they now have some free pass to avoid changing because they were raised that way, and that's how they'll always be.

To momentarily diverge more than I already have, let's talk about the idea that you can't change how you were raised.  I think it's total bullcrap.  If I was like the rest of one side of my family, I would go around looking for fights and arguments, I would be enamored with the life of alcohol and drugs, I would blame everyone else for problems I caused, and I would mindlessly follow that which the most authoritative source at the present instance was saying.  I did in fact used to be like that.  I still have a hard time with keeping cool in an argument or discussion when the other person says something that I interpret as an attack.  But I'm consciously working on it, and over time, I've progressed to the point where I can stay calm with someone screaming at me, if the situation is right.  So the whole, I was raised this way, so it's just how I am and I can't change...that whole deal is garbage. 

So, back to the situation which spawned all of this.  I've heard it multiple times, the whole "They tried everything" as if it excused the bad direction they took when they were frustrated to find that none of the 'everything' amounted to anything effective.  A few questions beg to be asked when it comes to parenting.  Are we just supposed to cover all our bases and hope the job was done right? And if it ever seems the job wasn't done right, do we really want to sit back and say "I tried everything", content to know that we have covered our own butts?  Or do we want to stand up to the inevitable frustrations and not just cover our bases, but raise our children the way we would have liked to be raised, feeling loved constantly but also taught what we need to know about right and wrong?

Parenting is a frustrating thing and it is going to be stressful.  There's no way around that.  But I do not at all think that being stressed out will be a good excuse for me to become one of those parents you see in public who shout and yell at their kids, desperately trying to pretend they actually lovingly disciplined their children back when it counted.  I can't say I won't slip and sometimes yell at one of my children or be less than patient, but some people just make it a habit.  Sure, they once upon a time tried advice they heard from a pastor's wife, and they also tried that new parenting fad about how to discipline.  They tried everything and just couldn't find a way to do it.  They are considered to be without fault by most people, but it still stands that their child is affected by it all.