Lately I've really been wrestling with issues of wrongdoing, forgiveness, and redemption. Everyone reading this has been on both ends; the injured and the injurer. Some of us are more familiar with offense than defense. Others are very familiar with the strategies of preserving themselves against attack but have rarely ventured out to strike another. I think that no matter what side of the battlefield you sit on, you have options, aces in the hole that can stop the fighting posthaste and result in a treaty. NOT a cease-fire...that is as genuine as two children act when pulled apart by an adult who now forces them to "shake hands", as if it possess some healing quality. A treaty repairs, and cease-fire redacts. There's a big difference.
I don't know how many people feel this way, but I have strong feelings about forgiveness. Inside, I can't ignore the wrench in the gears of emotions that is bitterness. Even if I am the one who has been wronged and did nothing wrong (a scenario which rarely happens, really) I feel that my withholding of peace from them when they apologize, and even if they don't apologize, is an act of war as much as being the aggressor is.
I've felt the sweeping warmth of hearing someone tell you they forgive you, after you've studied their eyes and know that they mean it. And I've felt the stinging cold of knowing that no matter what you do or say, recompense will never be enough, and redemption with them will never come. All we really have in life comes from connections with other human beings, and we only come into contact with so many people. Knowing you've burnt a bridge that connects your island to someone else's, with the drop of a match, is a sickening feeling, and as I write this I see the faces of the people I lost because of my own mistakes.
The unfortunate truth about me is that despite my best efforts, I always hurt someone really badly. I look down at my hand, and for every four straight fingers, there are four people who tell me I help people tremendously, am a great person, all of this and all of that. And detached from these four is a sore thumb that I regrettably struck with a hammer while trying to hit the nail on the head. I can put a band-aid on it, neosporin, all the typical cures mommy would administer. But next time the hammer swings, that thumb remembers how I mis-hit last time and retracts in fear. I'm tired of having a 20% failure rate when it comes to loving people like I should.
I am far more familiar with being the invader than the defender, and I know that no one wants to forgive someone who has hurt them. Perhaps I'm arguing from a viewpoint that not many other people share, but I know that one of the few times I've cried from joy was being told that I was forgiven. That later proved to be untrue, but at the time, I felt liberated, like I was able to escape my ugly human nature for just a moment. I know that for that moment when I thought I was truely forgiven, it was one of the best gifts I'd ever received. So why would I search for anything else to give people?
If you've got people who you're not on good terms with, try to fix it. You don't have to work miracles, you just have to first come to the point where you stop blmaing them for their part in your pain, and then let them know you've done so. Maybe they won't respond the way you'd like, but believe me when I say that there is nothing like being free of anger towards other people. I'm not even close to that, but every time I inch closer, that weird feeling you get in your chest when hope is at it's brightest, that's what I feel.
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